So today my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday, saying that she’ll order it and do what she can, and all I have to do is ask for it. I told her I wanted to go to Japan.
She quickly said she couldn’t afford that and dropped the conversation.
She didn’t even bother to learn that I have a little over $3600 saved up to pay for it, and that I only need about $800. She also didn’t bother to learn that I’ve applied for a $1000 travel grant, which means that if I receive it before I go on the trip, we wouldn’t have to pay for the whole $800. We may only have to pay for $400 or $500 (I’m hoping).
I understand it’s expensive, and there’s rent to pay and she has to pay her bills off, but I didn’t even ask her to pay all of it, or any of it actually. She just asked me what I wanted, I told her, and she dropped it.
I know she doesn’t want me to go because that means I won’t be around to care for her. She’ll have to depend on my brother and grandma (I told her I was going and asked if she’d stay and take care of things while I was gone), and she doesn’t trust them because they don’t take her attitude like I do.
I had to submit my application again for the travel grant because apparently they’re not doing physical copies anymore, so I just finished doing it online. Luckily, because I gave them everything they needed already (just in physical form), I don’t have to scramble around and get all the paperwork again. Now I have to sit and wait until I hear an answer, which is hopefully soon.
I’m really banking on this grant. I doubt I’ll get the full $1000, but it’s worth a shot. I’ll be happy if I get $500 for crying out loud. That’ll means less money out of my pocket (and less stress for my brain and heart). I just need to graduate and then, if everything goes right, I’ll go to Japan, enjoy myself, and then return here three weeks later and deal with my financial problems later.
I’m tired and have an awful headache, so I’m out.
When I was a little girl
I loved playing in water.
I would sit in bath tubs for hours —
Never actually bathing.
During summer I lived in the pool.
I can’t count how many gallons
Of dirty water I swallowed.
I can still feel the leaves going down my throat.
What a soft shade of blue my lips would turn
During the windy days —
I never wanted to dry off.
Even today I enjoy the water.
Like a child — I jump in with joy.
Like a fish — I fidget through the currents.
I blame my Zodiac.
My body is a storybook
My stretchmarks - the chapters
My moles and marks - the setting
The scars - my scars - are the heroes and villains
Each one revising my life story
Changing the plot every other day
And rewriting the finale until
- even I -
Won’t know how it ends
"I go out of my way for you"
They say ”as long as I look good”
Heaven loves decent people-
Too bad you’re not one of them
My eyes are burning from
Why they would keep you so
Long - just to let you go
I don’t know
Blood is overrated
Heritage is worthless
Family is a sweet word
By selfish hypocrites
Stay positive dear
Keep that head held high
Higher than the trees
Higher than the sky
Stay positive love
Don’t think about the bad
Whether it be a rough situation-
Or words people have said
Stay positive miss
Because time will soon show
You’re much stronger
-and smarter- than you know
Nothing is more holy
Than an Autumn night.
The pure fresh air -
The chilly grey grass -
Going downhill quickly is
- In itself- a rapture
Feeling the icy breeze kiss my cheeks -
This is true spirituality
I’m in such a shitty mood that whenever anyone fucking looks at me I just want to beat them with a bat. Ugh… hopefully I can get some sleep tonight. Maybe I can get a full four hours wuuuuuut? That’s impossible.
Nope. I’m sure my mom will call me in every two hours to adjust her fucking pillow, and then after the third time of going in there, she’ll start crying about how I’m so mean and I don’t have to be such a bitch, but seriously, it’s kind of hard not to be a bitch when you’ve gotten less than eight hours of sleep for the past two/three days. And unlike her, I don’t have any meds to help knock my ass out, so when I finally do get to lay down, I stay up for at least another half hour-hour just thinking about my schoolwork, my trip to Japan, my money problems, my future housing problems, and my graduation.
No. I’m allowed to be mean sometimes. I’m allowed to be mad sometimes. It’s not like I ignore her, because I can’t. I will always answer when she calls me, but I won’t act like she isn’t bothering me, and that’s what makes her upset.
I hate myself. I hate everything. I hate you.