I have decided to grow my hair out, too. I’m going to force myself through that awkward middle phase where I’ll look like I couldn’t decide between a bob and a mullet, so I picked both. Ugh… I wish I could wear wigs all day. Seriously.

At least I’m getting a ton of hours at work. At this point, I have more hours than my manager. Imagine that. The only downside is now they’re being extra hard on me and making sure I clock out on time. God forbid I make that extra, what, dollar? Two dollars? of overtime. 

Whatever. It’s helping pay the bills, and if I do get a TA-ship at UT, I can quit working there and be able to dress comfortably for work again. Maybe start growing my hair out and painting my nails all cute like I used to do. That will be nice.

Tomorrow/today’s my brother’s birthday. He’s 17. My mom wanted him home today so she can celebrate, but he was being such an ass to her over the phone, saying she shouldn’t bother with a cake and he was just going to be there to watch a movie or something. Every day he is becoming more and more like our father, and it makes me physically ill. I took care of him when he was younger, when our dad left to go fuck his girlfriend and buy things for her kids. He experienced the same kinds of things I did, but somehow doesn’t understand why I have no interest in talking to our dad ever again. And he just victimizes his father, like the whole world is out to get this one, lonely, old man.

If he doesn’t show up tomorrow for the cake and to at least spend a few minutes with our mom, then I’m through with him. He’s acting too much like my dad for me to ignore it anymore. I don’t forgive people, either. Usually, once you mess up with me (it has to be something really, really, serious), you have no second chance. You are out of my life forever.

I don’t want that to happen to my brother and me, but his attitude has only gotten worse and I won’t deal with his drama and his bullshit anymore.

I feel like I should go to bed, but I’m in one of those moody moments where I feel like if I sleep, I’ll be wasting my time…?

It’s weird and complicated. Tomorrow, though, I’ll go watch a movie with Matt and maybe have time to head up to UT and revise my Statement of Purpose and my resume. I really need to focus on getting this grad school thing going. Ugh…

Feeling worse and worse about everything everyday. I’m trying to focus on my grad school application, but with my family falling apart around me, it’s difficult. Plus I’m working full time, so there’s even less time for me to focus on anything that isn’t work and self-doubt.

I finally had a day where I didn’t work in the evening; it was the same day as Matt’s birthday party his dad was holding for him. Unfortunately, it’s also a day that my mom doesn’t have an aid there (they’re only there for a few hours). So I called my brother up and asked him to come home a few hours before the party started so both my boyfriend and I could go. He went on some rant about how it wasn’t his problem, he has his own plans, and I should respect him enough to be willing to sacrifice my plans for his. Nevermind the fact that nearly every time I do make plans, I end up cancelling or postponing them because of him randomly leaving the house for days and days (he had been gone for two days when I asked him to come home). 

He just came home tonight and decided to go off on my mom, saying he deserved to live like a “normal teenager”. I agree, but the problem here is that I’ve yet to live like a “normal” young adult. I had to take care of him since I was about sixteen/seventeen, and after my high school graduation, I had to take care of both him and my mother because of her disease and my dad’s lack of responsibility. He was out with another woman and her kids; he didn’t have the time or money for his biological children. And even now, ten years later, I’ve still sacrified time, money, school, work, and a social life to make sure my brother and mother are taken care of. So when I get payment back for all of the years I wasn’t able to live a “normal” life as a teenager or adult, I’ll start being more considerate about bothering my brother about changing his plans. Until then, I really don’t care.

I also took his computer. It’s cool, he said I could. I told him over the phone since he was rarely ever home to use it, I’ll just take it back. He said “Okay, fine.” And this time I’m not giving it back. At the end of July, he’ll be moving in with our dad, who’s decided to give him a few hours of attention here and there now. My mom will no longer recieve any child support from him (like he was paying the required amount anyways), and can now afford to get my brother everything he’ll need to live comfortably, including a new computer. My brother acts like both my father and he are constantly persecuted and punished just for being who they are. “It’s not my fault I failed my classes. My teacher wouldn’t take the late homework,” my brother will say whenever we get his report cards. “It’s not my fault I can’t take him to school, I’ve got to pick up [girlfriend’s name]’s kids. You’ll have to do it,” my dad when I asked him to pick my brother up from school when I was at work.

I told my brother that I stopped talking and interacting with our dad because of the way he acted, his life decisions, and the way he treated me. He moved out of the house and left a seventeen year old girl to take care of his sick wife and six year old son. Every night I turned down chances to hang out with friends, to go to movies, to go to prom, and instead stayed home and cooked, bathed, and cared from my mom and brother. Every night he was gone with his other girlfriend and her kids, only returning to do his laundry and eat our food.

My brother only shows up at our house to eat our food, take showers, and do his laundry. Then he leaves again for several days at a time.

He just left again.

Oh boy! My brother’s home and is acting like an even bigger dick than usual! 

Seriously considering being a cam girl if I can’t find decent employment during the summer. See how much I can make off of that. Ha ha.

I’ve read about women paying for college with that stuff. The only downside is when/if people find out and try to shame you for it. Pffft… can’t ever leave anyone alone, right?



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Yep. Doing this.

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1/8th Scale Homura Akemi: Haregi version from Puella Magi Madoka Magica. Available on the Aniplex+ website till May 7th. 

(Source: goodsmile.info)

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